


come upstairs but not to talk

by unhappy_turtle



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Fingering, Angst, Drug Use, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Pining, brief mention of fisting, brief mention of self harm, implied minor character death, teacher!levi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-01-02
Packaged: 2018-03-04 19:03:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3083894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unhappy_turtle/pseuds/unhappy_turtle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Are you alright?" Eren asks, looking down at him, sprawled on the bathroom tiles, stupid smile on his face.</p><p>"Yeah."</p>
            </blockquote>





	come upstairs but not to talk

**Author's Note:**

> Some things may be triggering. Read with caution.
> 
> ((There's a handful of grammatical and punctual mistakes, but I think you can look past them.))

**Right After**  

Eren is lying on the sidewalk outside of his own apartment when Levi finds him. His eyes are closed and he looks rather tranquil, but Levi doesn't really care when he sits on Eren's stomach.

Eren makes an  _oomph_  noise.

"Quit being dramatic," Levi says.

"Levi," Eren wheezes as if Levi is seated right on his lungs, "I seriously might throw up, get off. You fucking weigh more than me—I'm not being dramatic."

Levi keeps his ass planted.

"You were acting quite bitchy back there, Eren."

"I know, I just hate—" Eren sighs, dramatically, if Levi may add, "I _hate_  when she does that, I'm not eight. I've been taking care of myself, haven't I?" Eren sits up a bit, now resting his weight on his elbows. Levi has to adjust his seating.

"Yeah, you have been taking care of yourself, but with your track record, it's difficult to… trust you."

He sees Eren roll his eyes. It's weird, all of this is weird. It's dark outside, there's a breeze flying by them, mussing Eren's already fucked up hair. Levi wants to fix it, fix Eren. Not fix  _him_ , but just fix all of his problems.

"I've made one mistake, really. And now no one fucking trusts me."

"I'd say you made a series of mistakes. And if it means anything, I trust you." The words are surprisingly easy to push out of his mouth.

Eren makes a face as if he's gagging—fucking sticks his dumb pink tongue out too. He gently, or as gently as Eren can do anything, pushes Levi off. Eren is one lucky fucker because Levi won't fucking sit on a sidewalk for anyone.

" _Everybody makes mistakes_ , they say, but when I fucking screw up, it's like the end of the world."

"You're forgetting the severity of your mistake… or mistakes."

" _Mistake_ , Levi, the mistake was the heroin… everything else was just a consequence." Eren looks annoyingly smug and Levi wants to kiss the little smirk off his face.

"Yeah, but nothing good was to come of the decision to— "

"Yeah, whatever, Levi, I don't need you to give me your spiel about being unable to see the outcomes of the decision you make… blah blah blah."

"You should get to bed," Levi says because the sky is black and that breeze from before has returned with a bitter vengeance. But mostly because he suddenly wants to punch Eren.

"Sure, goodnight," Eren says and he stands up, shoving his hands into his pockets. He shivers as he walks into his apartment, he doesn't look back at Levi before closing the door.

**Before**

Eren had been in the bathroom for like ten minutes, Levi just assumed he was taking a shit. Which is the normal thing to assume when someone is in the bathroom for ten minutes and the shower is not running.

Ten minutes had passed, then Levi had heard a faint gagging noise then what was definitely Eren vomiting.

His first thought was food poisoning. He had been a little dubious about eating Eren's cooking to be honest. But you know, if a friend invited you over so they can try a new recipe, _yes_ seems like an appropriate answer. Even if that friend is Eren and Eren can't cook for the life of him.

The chili had actually been really good, a tad too spicy, but good nonetheless.

Eren comes out a couple minutes later, his face is completely flushed.

"You alright?"

It takes Eren such a ridiculous amount of time to reply that Levi thinks that he hadn't heard him.

"Yeah."

"Are you sure?"

Eren doesn't answer, just slowly makes his way to the couch where Levi is sitting. Levi looks him over and he looks incredibly distant. His pupils are so constricted that his eyes seem almost all green or blue or whatever color his eyes are. He's also breathing hard, shallow breaths.

"Eren… Eren."

Eren's head slowly turns toward him. Levi doesn't know what to do or what's going on. Eren has been acting odd lately. He's always been messy about his appearance, but more than ever lately. His hair is a bird's nest, he always looks like he's been rushed.

Levi seems to be the only one who has noticed, but it doesn't seem like a huge deal. Stress, maybe? He's still searching for a job, his dad is paying for everything, the apartment, food, clothes. He's not sure what it is, but there's a difference.

It's almost ten o'clock now. It's dark outside. Levi should be getting home, he's got work tomorrow. He thinks that Eren may be asleep. He hasn't moved in a while, other than the rise and fall of his chest.

He stares at the sidewalk as he's walking home. There are no stars out. He can see his breath, it's frigid and the old coat he's bundled up in isn't the warmest thing. He's thinking of Eren, of course. Something's wrong, with either him or Eren. Both of them. When did he start looking at his friend and wanting more?

It makes him feel filthy. Thinking of Eren in  _that_ way. It also makes his heart race. Fast pounding, rattling his bones, fire spreading through his veins. Eren does all of that to him.

The walk home doesn't clear his head, he's frustrated and so unsatisfied with everything. He's exhausted, drained from wanting and wishing and yearning. And not getting. Eren's fucking dense, but Levi feels as if he's without a brain. He's not sure how he hasn't been discouraged yet.

He's got time, he thinks.

\---

Levi wakes up to his cellphone ringing, it's an hour before he has to get ready for work. He has mixed emotions when he sees that it's Eren calling.

"Levi, did you like the chili?" Eren says even before Levi can get a word in.

"Yeah, it was good… Eren, why do you have to call at five in the morning?"

"… I'm sorry." Eren promptly hangs up. Levi's left feeling like shit, which makes it difficult to fall asleep again.

He's in a piss poor mood the entire day. The students are walking on thin ice around him. He snaps a couple times, then apologizes profusely, only to snap again ten minutes later.

It's even worse because it's come to the time of year when the high schoolers are getting to like him, feel comfortable around him. They no longer think of him as the terrifying English teacher. He's tough, but rightly so. He has exceedingly intelligent students and he expects the best from them.

He makes a mental note to be extra kind tomorrow to make up for his inappropriate outbursts throughout the school day.

When he's grading quizzes in his classroom after school, his mind wanders to Eren. This seems to be a form of multitasking he's become adept at.

He's not sure what it is, but something is wrong. It feels like a subtle itch underneath his skin. It's there, he knows that it is, yet he's still questioning whether to scratch it or just wait for it to dissipate. He's doesn't want to wait, but he's afraid that if he scratches it, he won't stop until it's raw and bloody.

Erwin suddenly appears in front of Levi's desk, resulting in an unintended red line across one of the quizzes.

"Hanji wants to go out for drinks." Erwin says, seating his ass on the edge of the wooden desk. Levi glares at the space where his rear end meets the mahogany. Erwin ignores the hateful stare.

"Is Hanji aware of the fact that it's a Monday?" Levi mutters.

"You don't have to come, you know? You pretend that you hate it, but you love it. You love us. I see through your complaints, Levi."

Levi taps the red pen against the small pile of papers. He's not speechless, he's just trying to transport his body back to his home.

"If your answer is yes, you know where we'll be. Six-thirty, Levi." Erwin says as he exits the classroom.

He quickly finishes grading the quizzes. He's a lot more productive when he's blocking Eren from his head.

The drive home is soothing and mind numbing. The day needs to be over already.

It takes way too long to get up the stairs to his floor. When he's nearing his door, he spots two Tupperware containers stacked on top of each other. He's wary of the containers as he brings them into his apartment.

They turn out to be filled with chili. He's glad that he doesn't have to worry about dinner.

Calling Eren seemed to be the only logical thing to do after discovering the chili. As the phone's ringing, the sick fluttering sensation is growing inside Levi's stomach.

The call ends up going to voicemail. Levi calls again—he knows that Eren is home. He may be sleeping or in the bathroom, he tells himself. He's hurt and it's mortifying. Absolutely mortifying.

Levi eats the chili out of the Tupperware containers as he watches  _Extreme Makeover: Home Edition_. In the back of his mind, he wishes that he would've gone out with his friends. He puts himself in these depressing situations, avoiding friends and socializing.

He feels like he's his own worst enemy.

\---

It's almost a week before he gets to visit Eren again. The door to his apartment is unlocked. There's a pair of shoes scattered in the door way, he notices that one shoe doesn't have the laces in them. The apartment is actually fairly clean.

"Eren," he calls out. A noise comes from the bathroom, it sounds like a whine or something. "Are you in the bathroom?"

"Don't come in here!" The bathroom door slams shut. "I'm—I'm… naked."

"Okay. I just wanted to thank you for the chili. And I haven't seen you in a while… no one has." Levi says, trying not to let the worry bubble up. Mikasa called him earlier today asking about Eren. He was a bit surprised and relieved. He wasn't the only one who noticed that something has been up. Eren doesn't reply.

Levi ends up on the couch waiting for Eren to get dressed. Half an hour passes without Levi's knowledge.

"Eren?"

No reply.

"Eren?" He's up out of his seat and he's knocking on the bathroom door. He tries the doorknob, it's locked. "Are you alright?" He's banging on the door now.

"What?" It's said quietly, he's barely able to hear it.

"Open the door."

"I have no… clothes on." Levi is not scared, he doesn't get scared. He's concerned. It's a foreign sensation. He doesn't like it, doesn't like not knowing.

Levi isn't a control freak, but he loves control. Which he's currently lacking. He's suddenly feeling his size. Knocking over the door seems like a wise and unwise option, the latter is what's more pronounced in his mind.

Should he just leave? Should he stay?

He ends up with his back against the door, occasionally knocking on it. Eren doesn't respond.

He falls asleep curled up next to the door.

Eren's sleeping next to him when he wakes up. His eyes flutter shut, thinking it's a dream. A sort of shitty dream. He's on the hardwood floor and there's a crick in his neck. Eren's so close and warm, he looks like an angel.

Sometimes Levi feels exceedingly dirty when he's stroking himself to orgasm in the shower, thinking about the sleeping brat next to him. With his effortless sexiness. And those eyes, _those eyes_ , Levi thinks the universe is in them,  _knows_ the universe is in them. The beauty and the good, but also the bad, the darkness. He sees all of that in Eren's eyes.

Levi apparently has morning wood, which he aggressively wills away. He slightly stumbles into the bathroom, stepping over (and nearly  _on_ ) Eren, his eyes are also still blurry with fatigue. He finds a shoelace near the toilet and silver spoons. He doesn't know what to think, he just pisses, doesn't look in the mirror as he washes his hands.

For a short moment, he forgets that he has work and that he needs to be in his classroom in twenty minutes. But only for a short moment. Eren's still sleeping on the floor. Levi takes the throw from the couch and places it on top of Eren's sleeping form.

\---

After his first class, he has a workshop. Levi leaves the students alone in the room, goes to the staff bathroom to give Eren a quick call.

The brat actually picks up this time.

"Hey, are you alright?" Levi gets the words out quickly, they're also a bit hushed. He's not sure why he's whispering.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"What was going on last night?"

"Uh, I, um… I don't know." It sounds like such a lie, Levi's insulted.

"Eren, what the fuck? You can tell me anything, you know that right?"

"Yes, I do know that."

Levi waits. For what, he's not sure. The chance of Eren just breaking down and spilling the beans is basically nonexistent, but he still waits because Eren is his friend.

Five minutes pass, Levi hangs up. Takes a deep breath. Goes back to the quiet classroom, acts like nothing happened.

\---

They're taking up two booths at Denny's. Levi is literally squished between Mike and Erwin, who are playing footsie with each other. (They're both so large and so gay, it's unreal sometimes.)

Hanji, Eren and Mikasa are seated across from them. The other booth is Armin, Jean, Marco, Annie, Reiner and Bertl.

This disastrous outing started out as Hanji inviting Levi and Erwin. Naturally, Erwin invited Mike. Then it just so happen that Eren, Armin, Marco and Mikasa had been at the same diner. Levi actually has no idea how everyone else got here, but it is what ever the fuck it is. Even though Levi doesn't want it to be what it is.

There's so much talking, Levi can feel a migraine coming on. He's trying to ignore Erwin and Mike. He had asked Mike if he wanted to switch seats, just to save the awkwardness and shit, but he declined for some unknown, irrational reason—that dumbass.

Levi's also trying to ignore Eren's runny nose. It's running like a fucking faucet and the kid's just pulling tissues out of his ass or something. Levi is more worried with where he's stuffing the used tissues. Eren's also fidgety. Scratching at his arm, then stopping, like he just realized what he's doing.

The waitress soon arrives with their breakfast and Levi's elated for the nice distraction. He immediately digs into his food. The blueberry pancakes lift his mood instantly. Food is quite wonderful.

The pancakes are almost all in his stomach when he just about loses his shit. Mike's fork moves across his line of vision, traveling all the way to Erwin's awaiting mouth. Levi blinks several times, maybe his eyes are betraying him.

"You guys are adorable," he distantly hears Hanji say. "Eren, let me feed you."

"No thank you." Eren responds, sounding as disgusted as Levi feels.

Mike is making a move to feed Erwin again when Levi grabs his wrist. "Hey," he fumes, "some of us want to keep our food down." Mike gives him a pitying look, it doesn't feel fitting.

"Sorry for making you uncomfortable," he apologizes.

"Let's just switch seats, alright?" He's already motioning for Mike to get up.

When he's finally seated at the end of the booth, he finishes his food. Subconsciously, he watches Eren eat, rather drink. Eren's gulping his glass of water down. When he catches Levi watching, he excuses himself from the booth.

"What's wrong with him?" Hanji asks.

"I wish I knew," Mikasa sighs, "he won't tell me anything. I think he might be depressed. I'm not sure, I'm so worried."

Levi doesn't say anything, he just tries to pretend that he's not there.

\---

"When are you going to get a job?" Mikasa asks. Levi is eavesdropping through the door. They're fighting, actually, it seems rather onesided. Mikasa's voice is raised and Eren answers in a deadpan.

"I don't know, Mikasa. My biology degree seems to be shit."

"You could work at McDonald's or something." She tries.

"Mikasa—"

"Eren, I want you to do  _something_. It doesn't necessarily mean getting a job. You could, I don't know, go out more often. Call Armin or call me."

"I'm tired, Mikasa, please leave."

There's a long silence, then, "I love you." Mikasa says, Levi can hear the desperation dripping from her voice. His chest aches.

"You, too." Eren drawls.

The doorknob is twisting, Levi quickly strides away from the door. Mikasa passes him as she exits the building. He doesn't have it in him to look at her face.

He's outside Eren's door, talking himself into knocking, then talking himself out of it. He decides not to knock, he just enters.

Eren is sprawled on the couch, drowning in an oversized pullover and jeans. He's not _there_ mentally, Levi can tell. His eyes look dead and shallow. Eren lifts his head up a little, gets a look at Levi, "hey." He says too loud. "C'mere." He's patting the bit of empty space on the couch next to him.

(Levi is so weak.)

He seats his ass in the small space. Levi knows that Eren is warm, exuding heat, but he feels cold when he's next to him. Eren doesn't seem to be a human being, like he's a walking corpse. Beautiful, if not haunting.

"Hey," Levi says, flicking the tip of Eren's nose, he doesn't react, "whatever's happening—fucking stop it. Seriously, Eren. I don't know what's going on… and it scares me. Just please stop." Levi wants to say _stop for me_.

Eren's eyes meet his, just staring at him, there doesn't seem to be anything going on in his head. Levi sighs.

The moment feels like ending credits to the shittiest movie made. The kind of movie that doesn't have a happy ending, as if the movie cut off at an inappropriate time. He doesn't want that for Eren. Eren doesn't deserve that. No one does. But life is not fair, Levi thinks.

\---

Levi's ashamed, so ashamed. And disgusted and so aroused. So incredibly aroused. He's been so busy and so upset. He needed a distraction. Porn. He doesn't want to be watching it, really. But here he is.

The volume is low, very low, but still audible. The bogus, filthy moans ease from his laptop speakers and swim around him.

He's stroking his cock, trying not to hate himself more than he usually does. His hands are covered in lube. One hand slips below his balls, to tease at his asshole. He hasn't fingered himself in so long. (He hasn't had sex in so long.)

Honestly, the awful porn he was watching is long forgotten. He's relaxed enough to push two fingers inside of himself. A gasp escapes his mouth. It's a tight fit, so tight, so hot, but it's good. Great. He withdraws the fingers, then pushes them back in, sighing.

His cock is dripping, he's making a mess. He just wants to feel good. Good. Something he hasn't felt in a while. He begins to scissor his fingers. It's not really enough stretching, but he pushes three fingers in. It stings a bit, so he increases the pace of which he jerks himself off. His fingers go in deeper.

He's making so much noise, moaning like he's getting paid for it, like he's in that terrible porno. He doesn't mean to, but he thinks of Eren. (How couldn't he?)

Thinking of green eyes and pretty lips and an actual cock in him. His fingertip brushes against his prostate. A strangled noise jumps out of his mouth and he's coming. So messy and sticky all over himself.

\---

It takes Levi two whole weeks to convince himself that it's okay to visit Eren, that Eren does _not_ know that he totally got off thinking about him fucking Levi. (He also may or may not have jerked off again in the two week period.)

Eren is sweating like Bertl when Levi's over. The hoodie and sweatpants probably aren't helping, Levi notes. There's also huge bags underneath his eyes. Eren is all types of fucked up.

"Maybe you should take off the hoodie," Levi suggests.

Eren's eyes widen so big, it looks like they could swallow Levi up. "What? No!"

"Why?" He's suspicious.

"Nothing—everything's… alright."

"Eren," he says, thinking, recalling, trying to make sense of all of this, "are you cutting yourself again?"

"No, I'm not."

"Hey, I can get you help, Eren."

"I'm not suicidal, okay?"

"I know that with everything that's gone—"

"Don't fucking mention my mom. Everyone needs to stop talking about my mom."

"Okay, sorry. I care about you and I want you to be alright."

"Are _you_ alright, Levi?" Eren asks, lying back on the couch, he winces a little. "Are you alright? Isn't that annoying? I know that I have my own problems, but so does everyone. Worry about yourself, okay? I am alright."

Levi can see the sheen of sweat covering Eren's face. He watches his Adam's apple bob up and down as he swallows. It suddenly feels dangerous to be here, this close to Eren. His nose is running again, a tissue is pulled out from underneath him.

"Are you sick?"

"Mhmm." Eren nods very slowly.

Staying the night is unwise, but he does it anyway. Levi barely falls asleep in a sitting position on the couch.

(He's so scared and exhausted.)

Any happiness that he once felt is nonexistent now. Everything's shit. Levi watches the sun rise, watches the city below Eren's apartment. He wonders if anyone else is as deflated as he is.

Teaching his classes is the highlight of the day. The student can sense his foul mood, they tread lightly. The school day passes with no outbursts. One small victory, he tells himself.

Erwin asks about drinks after work again, he'd already decided that he'd visit Eren. Unwise decision it turns out. His patience is wearing thin, but his heart is, unfortunately, still in it.

\---

A shirtless guy opens the door when Levi knocks. He's already pissed.

"Eren?" Levi says to the space behind the guy. They exchange names, but Levi isn't listening. He's looking for Eren, who's in the bathroom, of course.

The guy says something, then leaves.

"Eren—" what sounds like vomiting cuts him off. He patiently and quietly waits outside the door. It's a while before the vomiting stops.

The door opens slowly, revealing a sweaty Eren, complete in boxers and a dirty sweatshirt, "Hey." He leans against the doorway, unable to support himself it seems.

"Eren, seriously, what's going on?" Levi is not angry, he just sounds that way.

"Do you cry during sex, Levi?"

"What?"

"Do you cry during sex?" Eren says it slowly, his body crumpling against the doorframe until his ass is planted on the floor. He's still looking at him in the eye, it's unnerving the concentration, the lack of blinking or any sort of eye movements.

"No." Levi says.

"Apparently I do now. It's… it's… I don't know. Can you help me to the couch?"

Levi nods because he wants to help, wants to do something. He's felt so small over the last several weeks, not necessarily insignificant small, but powerless small.

Eren feels lighter than Levi had expected. He's all bone, and sharp angles.

"Everything hurts," he groans when Levi sets him on the couch, "why does everything hurt?"

The dead look that Eren's giving him is starting to feel so familiar, Levi doesn't expect anything else. When he thinks that Eren is asleep or as close as he going to get to asleep, he calls Mikasa.

"Levi?" She answers because he never calls her.

"Can you come over to Eren's place?"

"Yeah, what's wrong?" There's panic in her voice, she tries to hide it, poorly.

"I don't know, just get over here." He hangs up. The panic clings onto his skin, setting in. Why is he so afraid now? Something is wrong. Everything is wrong. He's pacing back and forth in front of Eren. Observing, trying not to panic, but his heart's about to beat out of his chest.

He lets that calm façade of his shift into place. _Don't let them see your weakness_.

Eren's mumbling something now, it's gibberish. His voice is getting more urgent, louder, but Levi can't make sense of all the noises. It seems to happen in slow motion, when Eren sits up, he's gagging, making all these choked off noises, Levi's stepping towards him.

_Eren? Eren, are you alright?_

(He's never been so terrified in his life.)

Eren's still gagging, then he's vomiting all over himself, his bare legs, the couch. Levi's erasing the color of the vomit from his memory, he doesn't want think of this moment ever again. It smells and it feels like he's drowning in it.

"Shit," Eren says, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

It feels like an out of body experience, he _can't_ move, just frozen in fear, looking at Eren, looking at himself, so pathetic. It feels like a nightmare that he'll wake up from any second now, any second now this will be over. Everything will be alright.

Mikasa is barging through the door now, she stops in her tracks. Dark eyes trained on Eren. First thing that flashes across her face is pity. She's taking out her phone, calling 911, telling them to fucking hurry.

"Eren?" She says. He doesn't respond, he's there and he's not there.

Levi wishes he wasn't there.

 **After**  

Eren's still beautiful, he shouldn't be. He looks healthy, other than some spots on his skin and the more defined hollow of his cheeks, he looks exactly the same as before all the shit went down. His eyes are slowly returning to their original brightness.

Everyone's been walking on eggshells around him. They're so careful. Jean won't even pick fights with him anymore. Everyone's scared. Eren included.

\---

Levi makes sure to visit Eren at least twice a week. He lives with his father now and Mikasa also moved back home.

Grisha answers the door, he looks exhausted when he ushers Levi inside. Eren's in the kitchen, looking through the cupboards.

Levi seats himself at the table and waits for Eren to find whatever he's looking for. When Eren spots him, he smiles, small and relieved. Everybody has been treating Eren as if he's fragile, just about ready to break, but Eren is none of that.

"I'm so happy you're here." Eren laughs nervously. "Can we go out? I've been stuck in here all week."

Levi looks at him a moment, sees Eren broken, sees all the cracks. They're still there, they'll always be there. That's okay, Levi is broken also.

"Of course," he answers. "Is that okay with your dad?"

"I'll ask." Eren gets up, leaves the kitchen.

They aren't dating or together or anything, they just go out a lot. Sometimes to restaurants or the theatre. They've kissed a couple times, not even really kissed though, their lips just nearly missed each other.

Maybe he's desperate, maybe they're both desperate. (Maybe Eren likes him?)

Levi thinks that it's possible that everything will fall back into place soon. He may not be able to be with Eren, but if Eren is healthy and happy, Levi will be alright. He's not sure of it, but if he tells himself that enough times, he'll believe it. It'll be true. Possibly.

Eren rushes back into the room, "yes, we can go. There's this weird indie band playing at a club all the way in town. I was wondering if we could go."

"Sure."

"Armin says they're really good. I trust his judgement. Let me get changed," he says and he's out of the room again.

The drive to the venue is quiet and comfortable. Levi always thought that any quiet time with Eren would get his heart racing, remembering the times when Eren was unresponsive and in outer space. But he now knows that Eren is there for good now. There's life inside of him, there's life behind his eyes.

The club is small and not entirely packed. The band is setting up their instruments, the crowd is chattering. Levi's seated at a table, sipping a glass of water, watching Eren in the crowd. He's not sure why, but he's mad and upset and nervous. He's a disastrous mix of emotions. A beer would be so much more helpful than his iced tap water right now.

Music is starting to travel down from the slightly raised stage. Levi keeps his eyes on his water, stares at the ice cubes, ignores the crowd whooping and hollering. Ignores everything except his heartbeat. The music is oozing through his walls, it's matching his heartbeat. It's erratic and wild and unpredictable.

Levi looks to the crowd, makes out Eren. Who's moving along with the sea of bodies, his movements fluid and feral and gorgeous. He looks liberated, not nervous, not afraid of himself, he looks alive. So beautiful. So unconfined. Levi can't hear the music anymore, can only see Eren and his body and his declaration of freedom.

Eren spins around, sees Levi watching him, smiles. Big, loose. He's alive behind the eyes.

They make out in the bathroom, like they're drunk. It's so messy and sloppy, tongues, saliva. Groping. Levi on his knees, Eren's cock down his throat. He likes it so much because it's Eren.

He's gagging, throat convulsing, but he still likes it—loves it.

Eren's swearing like it's going out of style, grabbing Levi's hair until it hurts. He still loves it. Eren's coming down his throat. Levi's underwear is ruined. He's trying to catch his breath.

"Are you alright?" Eren asks, looking down at him, sprawled on the bathroom tiles, stupid smile on his face.

"Yeah."

\---

"Tell me you'll never do drugs again." Levi pleads, they're parked in front of Eren's residence. Levi's getting awful chafing, he threw his underwear away in the bathroom of the club.

"You know I won't. I promise." Eren says, he's blinking excessively to keep himself awake.

"Goodnight."

"See you soon." Eren says as he leaves the vehicle. He turns back, waves before he enters the house.

Levi wants to throw himself off of a building when he's back at his own apartment. He fucked up. This—whatever it is—is beyond fucked. He doesn't get any sleep.

He's extra kind to his students the next day. No homework, easy classes. He tries to numb his mind by grading tests.

It's late after school, almost six. Mike and Erwin show up with Hanji in tow, trying to convince him to go out for drinks.

"You guys are alcoholics," he mutters, reading the same answer for the tenth time.

"We're social drinkers," Hanji says, they lean in a bit, whispering, "and Levi, I don't want to be a third wheel. Mike gets really tactile when he's had a few."

Levi sighs, setting the pen down. "Fine, okay? Fine."

Going out for drinks is stupid, so stupid. Levi's not drunk enough. And Hanji was right about Mike. He's groping Erwin's chest, like he has tits. Maybe because Levi's a bit tipsy, but it's sort of hot—maybe he's more than a bit tipsy. Hanji is talking to him, he thinks, he can't really hear though. His vision is blurry around the edges. Drinking is a bad idea.

He swears he closes his eyes for only a second, one second tops, then he's in a secluded corner of the bar, phoning Eren.

"Levi? It's almost midnight." He thinks that he hears concern in Eren's voice.

"Hey… Eren," he's slurring so fucking bad, like his tongue is too big, "Eren, I'm alright" he hiccups. He's using the wall for support now. He's dizzy, and Eren is talking or something. "I love you… so, so, so much."

He hangs up, closes his eyes, he's back at the table with his friends. Erwin is in Mike's lap. Hanji is on the table, face down, sprawled out. Someone's drink is tipped over. The table is sticky. Levi's eyes close involuntarily.

He's in his own bed. His head hurts, he's hard. Morning wood. Stumbles to the bathroom, head pounds, stomach aches, wants to faint. Standing in shower, cold water doesn't help, jerks off. Throws up in shower, watches the water splatter on the vomit.

Levi calls in sick, asks for a substitute teacher. He spends the rest of the day in bed.

He's never going out for drinks again.

 **Before**  

He should have known. He was so stupid, all the signs were there. Eren was a corpse, he watched Eren kill himself.

After Mikasa had gone off to the hospital with Eren. Levi looked around the apartment. He found the syringes and shoes laces hanging around—makeshift tourniquets—and the burned spoons. It all makes sense.

He feels like a failure.

The apartment smells like vomit and hopelessness, giving up.

He's mad at Eren more than he is at himself, really. He doesn't understand, he wants to so desperately. He's pulling at his hair and cursing aloud like a lunatic.

He's going to explode and it's going to be ugly and gory.

 **After**  

He jerks off again in the evening, thinking about sucking Eren's dick. He knows that he's shit. There's four fingers up his ass. (He kind of wants his whole fist up there or Eren's fist or Eren's anything, really.)

He orgasms silently. He's so dirty, but he just stays like that. Come all over his stomach, boneless on his bed.

Sleep takes over, no dreaming, oblivion, really.

He's woken up by loud knocking, jolts awake, covered in dry, flaky semen. He pulls on pants and a long sleeve shirt.

Eren's at the door, he looks worried. "Hey," he says, he's acting like he's Levi's size.

"Hey."

"You called me last night, I was concerned. Are you alright?" Levi nods. He wants Eren to leave, but the kid walks in, looks out of place.

"Um," he starts, looking around, not looking at Levi. "I love you, too. Yeah? I love you." Eren's blushing, stammering. Levi can hear how hard his heart is beating. "You were drunk, yeah? But I know you meant it."

Levi doesn't respond, his mind is working too fast, breath short, heart out of chest.

"And, Levi," Eren's voice is cracking so bad, but he swallows and tries again. "Levi, I'm sorry," he's getting closer, hands shaking on either side of Levi's face, "so sorry for all of this. I was stupid—" he's crying now, blubbering, face wet and beautiful. He's a beautiful cryer, Levi thinks. He's still talking though, talking through the tears. He can't tell what the fuck he's saying, but he's talking, apologizing. Liberating himself. And Levi.

"It's okay, you're better now. And you'll never do it again," he can't breathe, his throat feels closed, he swallows, breathes through his nose, swallows, "unless you want to break my heart, kill me. You won't do it again."

Eren's nodding, "I won't, I promise. I love you. I'm sorry." He's still crying, openly sobbing.

Levi is being cut open, he feels raw and disgusting and he wants a drink. But he also doesn't want to take a sip of alcohol ever again. He doesn't cry, won't cry, has cried enough for a lifetime.

Eren kisses him, god, it's so gross, his face is wet and he's still crying when their lips meet. And someone is shaking, shaking violently. It's over before he knows it. Eren's smiling down at him, a stupid, little smile on his stupid lips.

"Are you alright?" Levi asks.

"Yeah," Eren laughs, "I'm alright."

**Author's Note:**

> (Always Alright//Alabama Shakes)
> 
> I feel like I have so much to say, but the words aren't coming. I wrote this in two days, sigh~
> 
> ((Eren would be in rehab for about four years. There'd be a relapse or two in there. And sorry if any parts seem confusing or whatnot.))
> 
> I hope you liked it, thank you for reading. :*
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> [tumblr](http://unhappy-turt.tumblr.com)


End file.
